I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
