i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
