Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
