your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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