My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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