I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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