You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
