Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
