i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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