I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
