what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
