I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
