you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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