Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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