my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
