How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
