this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
