you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
