im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I still have a little drunk in my system
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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