She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Randomize
