i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
