Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
