So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
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He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
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I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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