i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
