Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
