Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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