i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
its liver damage thursday
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
