I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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