So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
