I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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