btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
