Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
