Already got asked if we're dating
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
And the cops told us we were all naked.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
