I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
