How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
