this boner is exhausting
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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