no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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