im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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