theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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