I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
