At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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