Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
