I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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