1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
