Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
