I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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