First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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