We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
