Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
