Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i think i have herpe
just one?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
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I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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