Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
