I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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