Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
