I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
