If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
