Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
