Don't make out with my wife yet
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
