a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
